Aural Violation

This blog is inspired by two recent events. One; by the recent achievement of The Jonster in passing his driving test. Two; after such a fantastic year of music in 2007, and many months listening to amazing tracks and albums whilst compiling my new year's CD, I've become somewhat music-fatigued and have spent most of January listening to mainstream radio to pass the very slow hours at work. These two things have been gestating for a while now, and has led me to the following conclusion...

There should be an exam, or license for the right to make music! Music is a subjective thing, of course, like all types of entertainment, but there is simply no arguing with this point. Certain people should not be allowed to make music, or at the very least prohibited from letting anyone but themselves hear it.

Surprisingly, I'm not talking about the daytime pop-pap you hear all over daytime commercial radio. No, dancey chart pop is not my thing by a long shot, but it's mainly harmless and serves a purpose so that's fine. No, I'm talking about the stuff that is meant to be, or perceived as being edgy or cool. The stuff that 'real music' fans are supposed to like, but is actually the most offensive, nonsensical tripe that will ever rape your ears.

Avril Lavigne and Kate Nash, I'm looking at you. And I'm not impressed. Not one bit. Avril's last album is stupidly being praised for being a return to intelligent pop that supposedly even NME kids like. The song 'Girlfriend' made so many Tracks of the Year lists in 2007 (by some normally respectable publications like Rolling Stone and Mojo) it's staggering. And yet hearing it constantly stabbing at my face from the radio, it's amazing this woman is allowed to write words for songs. The music is forgettable, and was no doubt hammered out by a team of monkeys in a couple of minutes, but the lyrics for that song are just offensively bad to the point of actually causing me to have a body spasm not unlike vomiting!

"Don't pretend, I think you know I'm damn precious
And hell yes, I'm the one and only princess"

What does that even mean??! It's just random words thrown together that rhyme. And I'm not being highbrow, because I genuinely mean it when I say Bucks Fizz had better lyrics than this girl.

"She's like, so whatever
You could do so much better
I think we should get together"

Did an 8 year-old write this? I actually cringed whilst typing those lyrics out. The whole thing stinks of a self-important pre-teen attempting "witty". The fucking monkeys would've done better!

Not so fast, Nash, you don't get off that easily! You're the only artist in the world that I hate more than Lilly Allen, and that's some feat you've accomplished, believe me. You're the one that's meant to be cool, an "important new voice" I read somewhere. A credible musician, some have said, winning all these awards and selling shitloads of albums. And yet you write songs that even Avril's monkeys would piss on.

Let's forget first single 'Foundations' with it's inane ramblings of a girl who obviously thinks she's cool, with all the "fittah" and "bittah" nonsense. That may have been a fluke, so we'll let it go. The next single, however, begins thusly:

"This is my face
Covered in skin"

That's not a lyric! It's a fucking fact! And combined with the simpleton melody and trying-too-hard fake cockney shrill of a voice, it's just unbearable. I am literally staggered that people bought that song, or that the record company agreed to release it. Is the writer's strike in America affecting the UK music industry now, that companies are tossing out any old wank quickly without bothering to check if it's any good? Well, yes, it always has, but still... "This is my face"??? Are you even trying, Nash, or are you just some hideous performance artist or experiment by the industry to test just how much shite the public can be conned into believing is good?

And don't get me started on her new song 'Pumpkin Soup' (too late...). Never mind that the song is a dreadful, headache-inducing assault on the senses. Forget the whiney shriek of her latest intelligent thought, "I just want your kiss, boooyyyyy". Take a moment and try to listen to the song, and you realise the production is just HORRIBLE! The whole thing's a mess, a shambles. You can't actually hear what's going on, what notes are being played, what instruments are being used, and in the fleeting moments that you can you realise it's all OUT OF TUNE! I'm not joking, I could vomit from eating feet-flavoured cheese and it would be sonically superior to that song.

And these are the people winning awards. Selling albums. Making the NME 'cool list'. All over the radio. STEALING YOUR MONEY!

Do me a favahh!!!