Pyjamas for Llamas
On the back of my recent Bond obsession, I thought it only prudent to share with you one of the most AWFUL THINGS I've ever seen. Yes, Ian's Useless Movie Reviews are back! This time...
Oh, Pierce, it all started so well! Goldeneye was ace (my 3rd favourite Bond film of all time), but then things started getting progressivly more poo until this skidmark of a movie appeared. Die Another Day is a tricky creature, as for a horrible film it actually has many remarkably excellent qualities, but the bad stuff is SO bad it quickly erases all that. I could go into detail, but I can't be arsed, so let's just do a list shall we?
ACTION: The action in this film is amazing, and unlike anything you've seen in a Bond film before - hell, any film before! Simply stunning. However, this is only down to the director of photography and the editor. It looks incredible, but that's it, as the story and film-maker let you down terribly. If you'd have read the script and saw 'invisible car races through ice palace' you'd have been right to be pissed off.
PIERCE: Despite going out on a turd of a swansong, Pierce showed here he really had the character nailed... at least the character his films had determined. For these kinds of Bond movies he was spot-on, it's just a shame that nearly all of the movies were rubbish. They started wanting Sean Connery, and degraded to sub-Roger Moore territory. However, for his part, Pierce did himself and character proud.
HALLE: Halle Berry should not be acting. At all. Except maybe in a fantasy or action film where she has to do nothing more than look pretty and say cheesy dialogue. Maybe like a Bond or X-Men film? NO! She's rubbish even in this piece of garbage.
INVISIBLE CAR: We know the franchise has to push the boundaries, but in the past they made a point of making all the Bond gadgets actually work in real life. The jetpack worked, the keyring bomb worked. But an INVISIBLE CAR???!!!! This is the point the franchise lost all respect.
ICE PALACE: Not only a stupid idea that serves no point to the story, but also obviously an incredible waste of money. There was, literally, NO POINT in having the last part of the movie play out here. Seriously, try and find one reason!
MADDONA: I'm not even going to mention her god-awful theme song (there's been some stinkers in the past, and yet this was the worst and totally out of place with the whole universe), but also her completely pointless cameo as a fencing intructor who NEVER FENCES OR INTRUCTS!!! There's a reason Bond extras are normally nobodies, or people who have a PURPOSE being in the film. I'm not kidding, she says "hello" to Bond, then introduces him to the baddie. Couldn't he have done that himself? She has no point at all, and by being Madonna she takes you out of whatever suspension of disbelief you may have had.
THE BADDIES: Jesus fucking Christ! The barrel has been scraped and thrown away, at this point they're just throwing barrel residue into the mix and crossing their fingers. Cliched Asian baddie - put some diamonds in his face and as long as he can kick don't worry if he can't act. Female baddie: Make her an MI6 agent that Bond DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT (was he off for the 3 years she's been at the same company as him?) and give her a name like Frost so everyone thinks her stiff delivery is on purpose. Main baddie: Short weedy Brit who smiles like Rik Mayall, so give him a Robot Suit so he stands a chance against an unarmed Bond at the finale (a FUCKING ROBOT SUIT!!!). I've seen student films with better characterisations than this.
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD CGI: It's a tool, and has helped a lot of films. Who can forget the T-Rex attack in Jurassic Park, or the battles in Independence Day? Whatever you think of those films, those sequences worked and helped the story. And somehow, some TWELVE YEARS LATER we're seeing a poorly rendered CGI Bond surfing a wave. 1 - it's 12 years later, isn't technology supposed to get better? 2 - Bond is surfing, which is rubbish. 3 - Bond films are about STUNTS, not CGI. If they could get a real guy skiing an avalanche in 1983, how hard is it to get someone surfing a wave in 2002?
The first 40 minutes of this film are great (Bond captured, tortured and then going rogue). But as soon as the invisible car arrives, turn the fucker off. It's a shame for Pierce as he did stellar work in his run as Bond, despite the scripts, and he remains my 3rd favourite Bond. The only saving grace of Die Another Day is that it prompted the re-boot that become the sensational - and true adaptation - Casino Royale.
DIE ANOTHER DAY
Oh, Pierce, it all started so well! Goldeneye was ace (my 3rd favourite Bond film of all time), but then things started getting progressivly more poo until this skidmark of a movie appeared. Die Another Day is a tricky creature, as for a horrible film it actually has many remarkably excellent qualities, but the bad stuff is SO bad it quickly erases all that. I could go into detail, but I can't be arsed, so let's just do a list shall we?GOOD STUFF:
OPENING SEQUENCE: We all know the score with Bond films. There's a pre-credits action sequence where Bond narrowly saves the day, then cue the theme song and naked ladies. Not so here. In this pre-credit sequence there's the usual action scene - except Bond fails and gets captured. And instead of girls swimming in champagne glasses or whatever, the credit sequence shows Bond being interrogated and tortured for 14 months. A truly great and gritty step forward in the franchise (one that would eventually lead to the amazing Casino Royale), but they couldn't keep that inspiration up.ACTION: The action in this film is amazing, and unlike anything you've seen in a Bond film before - hell, any film before! Simply stunning. However, this is only down to the director of photography and the editor. It looks incredible, but that's it, as the story and film-maker let you down terribly. If you'd have read the script and saw 'invisible car races through ice palace' you'd have been right to be pissed off.
PIERCE: Despite going out on a turd of a swansong, Pierce showed here he really had the character nailed... at least the character his films had determined. For these kinds of Bond movies he was spot-on, it's just a shame that nearly all of the movies were rubbish. They started wanting Sean Connery, and degraded to sub-Roger Moore territory. However, for his part, Pierce did himself and character proud.
BAD STUFF: (jesus, where to start?!)
HALLE: Halle Berry should not be acting. At all. Except maybe in a fantasy or action film where she has to do nothing more than look pretty and say cheesy dialogue. Maybe like a Bond or X-Men film? NO! She's rubbish even in this piece of garbage.
INVISIBLE CAR: We know the franchise has to push the boundaries, but in the past they made a point of making all the Bond gadgets actually work in real life. The jetpack worked, the keyring bomb worked. But an INVISIBLE CAR???!!!! This is the point the franchise lost all respect.
ICE PALACE: Not only a stupid idea that serves no point to the story, but also obviously an incredible waste of money. There was, literally, NO POINT in having the last part of the movie play out here. Seriously, try and find one reason!
MADDONA: I'm not even going to mention her god-awful theme song (there's been some stinkers in the past, and yet this was the worst and totally out of place with the whole universe), but also her completely pointless cameo as a fencing intructor who NEVER FENCES OR INTRUCTS!!! There's a reason Bond extras are normally nobodies, or people who have a PURPOSE being in the film. I'm not kidding, she says "hello" to Bond, then introduces him to the baddie. Couldn't he have done that himself? She has no point at all, and by being Madonna she takes you out of whatever suspension of disbelief you may have had.
THE BADDIES: Jesus fucking Christ! The barrel has been scraped and thrown away, at this point they're just throwing barrel residue into the mix and crossing their fingers. Cliched Asian baddie - put some diamonds in his face and as long as he can kick don't worry if he can't act. Female baddie: Make her an MI6 agent that Bond DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT (was he off for the 3 years she's been at the same company as him?) and give her a name like Frost so everyone thinks her stiff delivery is on purpose. Main baddie: Short weedy Brit who smiles like Rik Mayall, so give him a Robot Suit so he stands a chance against an unarmed Bond at the finale (a FUCKING ROBOT SUIT!!!). I've seen student films with better characterisations than this.
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD CGI: It's a tool, and has helped a lot of films. Who can forget the T-Rex attack in Jurassic Park, or the battles in Independence Day? Whatever you think of those films, those sequences worked and helped the story. And somehow, some TWELVE YEARS LATER we're seeing a poorly rendered CGI Bond surfing a wave. 1 - it's 12 years later, isn't technology supposed to get better? 2 - Bond is surfing, which is rubbish. 3 - Bond films are about STUNTS, not CGI. If they could get a real guy skiing an avalanche in 1983, how hard is it to get someone surfing a wave in 2002?
The first 40 minutes of this film are great (Bond captured, tortured and then going rogue). But as soon as the invisible car arrives, turn the fucker off. It's a shame for Pierce as he did stellar work in his run as Bond, despite the scripts, and he remains my 3rd favourite Bond. The only saving grace of Die Another Day is that it prompted the re-boot that become the sensational - and true adaptation - Casino Royale.
1.9 Crabs out of 5
posted by AlphIANo at 5:08 PM
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