Out Of A Coma

Well, what a kerfuffle it's been in the news this week, with one story in particular getting everyone worked up. I've been thinking about it as well, and it has led me to a life-altering choice.

I've decided to adopt a celebrity millionaire from abroad. Now, I know what you're thinking, and no, I'm not simply "shopping for people" just because I'm not famous, have no money or fame pulling-power of any kind. All I'm trying to do is give one of these fortunate people a life outside their hell-hole of popularity, beauty and excess. These people deserve our pity, living such meaningful lives with every chance of a bright and happy future, and anything I can do to prevent such a fate for any of them is nothing more than my civic duty. As long as I get a pretty one.

By engaging in this selfish act I can offer these... well, I suppose the media would call them 'stars', but I don't believe in labels (they're people for god's sake, so try and get past your prejudices) a secure life of being bored, spending too much time down the pub and getting obsessed with the telly. Do you really think these people have any idea what a life like that could really be like? Why shouldn't they be afforded the same blessings as the rest of us? Why should they continue to live in fear of people liking them, having more money than they know what to do with, or the constant dread of knowing any minute a movie script or multi-million dollar contract could come flying through the letterbox?

My god, it's no wonder they act the way they do, kissing each other just because of the colour of their phones, when this is all they have to look forward to! If it was me I know I'd probably almost be content by now, and that's something I hope I never have to live through. And so, the responsibility falls to me, being underprivileged as I am, to reach out my dirty hand and say "Come, famous one, there is a shit world out there, let me show it to you. Oh, and change the channel and get me a beer". Sometimes I think I give too much.

Of course, this would be a mutually beneficial arrangement. In return for all the wondrous crap I've already mentioned, and the opportunity to give them a life that's a bit rubbish, there are many things that I, spiritually, would gain. For example, just the knowledge that I'd never have to pay for anything ever again. Or work. Or even get out of bed. As hard as this would be, that is the trade-off you must face when adopting a celebrity millionaire from abroad. Also, if I were to choose one from America then everyday my life would be that much more worthwhile with the feeling of superiority I would get. And there's things we'd face together, like expensive parties that other people aren't allowed into, or being on the cover of magazines because we'd braved a supermarket to buy some teabags. Just thinking about it makes me feel like someone turned my heart up an extra bar.

So there it is, my plan to help those more fortunate. It won't be easy to choose who the lucky celebrity will be, as I will have to evaluate each case individually (I've heard the ones from California come with a free tiny dog). But I will keep you informed, and rest assured it will be a senseless and uninformed decision. As long as I get a pretty one.