Face Full Of Violence

My critiquing fingertips have been getting itchy lately, all too eager to share their opinions far and wide on the interweb. And so it is, as they gear up to cast their scornful eye, that I bring you a new installment of Ian's Useless Movie Reviews! This time...

SMOKIN' ACES

A little back story to how this film came about is not crucial, but certainly helps your enjoyment of it. A few year's back Director Joe Carnahan was flavour of the month after his first film 'Narc' (a gritty little espionage tale) wowed critics and caught Hollywood's eye. None more so than a certain Mr Tom Cruise, who immediately recruited Carnahan to write and direct the upcoming Mission Impossible 3. What followed was 2 years of creative differences and development hell, prompting a pissed-off Carnahan to quit the project and make the coolest, nastiest and fun movie he could find as quickly as possible. Basically, he'd had enough and wanted to have a laugh, to make a pure guilty pleasure. 'Smokin' Aces' is essentially a big fuck-you to Tom Cruise!

The plot, such as it is, follows several teams of hit men (or "fatality facilitators") as they compete to get to a single target, a slimy Vegas magician who's about to rat out a mob boss to the feds. At the same time, these same feds start getting wind of the hits and race to protect their prize prisoner. Basically, it's Cannonball Run meets True Romance and that, my friends, makes it all kinds of awesome! An out-and-out coolfest, with all the dials turned up to 11. The actual story is McGuffin of the highest order, but that's not the point. Who needs plot when you've got neo-Nazis with chainsaws, or a 10-year old fruitloop kid threatening to nun-chuck an injured man's balls off!

Once this baby kicks off, it's all systems go until the finish line and it really doesn't give a shit if you can keep up! The hit men is where the fun really lies though, with about as big a bunch of fucked-up nutters you could hope for. The afore-mentioned neo-Nazis, 3 dumb bail-bondsmen lead by a hilariously mustachioed Ben Affleck, a cool as cucumber Alicia Keys (who's surprisingly good), a silent creeporama who's a master of disguise, and an overly charming psycho who chews his own fingers off to avoid detection.

These guys are ledge! Scary, funny and the absolute glue in a film that would live or die on how entertaining it's villains are. And that's the masterstroke here. You're not supposed to root for the man they're trying to kill, as he's a complete and utter shit (played to greasy perfection by the awesome Jeremy Piven, the best actor no one's heard of). He deserves to fucking die as he's just so... ickk! So, pick ya favourite assassin and hope they get there first. The closest thing 'Smokin' Aces' has to a protagonist is Ryan Reynolds and Ray Liotta (both excellent) as the feds trying to stop this shit going down, but it's pretty obvious from the start they'll either die or be too late, otherwise they'd just get in the way of the fun!

And I haven't even mentioned the amazing gallery of cameos Carnahan's thrown into the mix yet. Remember Jason Bateman from The Hogan Family and Arrested Development? Bet you never thought you'd see him as a scrawny, lingerie-wearing lawyer! Or Curtis Armstrong, the 80's screwball from Revenge of the Nerds and Better Off Dead? I'd have put money on the fact he'd never be cast as a sensitive, smart agent, and yet here he is, all emotional and... well, acting! Best of all though, is a nigh-on unrecognisable Matthew Fox as a mulleted and 'tached hotel manager (you'll find his scene particularly bonkers if you've been following the current season of Lost).

The final shoot-off in the hotel is a blast of over-the-top, gratuitously violent and simply barmy action. And then the film does something a little unexpected; it actually ties its stoopid storyline into a satisfying and well-rounded conclusion. Hang on! That wasn't supposed to happen! I had abandoned the plot long ago, and was thoroughly enjoying this attack on my senses, only to be given a good ending? Stone the crows!

All in all, I think I may have overused the word 'cool' in this review, but that really is the best way to sum up 'Smokin Aces'. Like True Romance before it, or Pulp Fiction, or Sin City, it's just cool! I'm not a massive fan of the action film genre, meaning I won't watch any old pap that has guns in it. For me, if an action film's gonna work it either needs heart (The Bourne Supremacy, Spider-Man), or balls (Die Hard, Aliens). This defintely falls into the latter catagory with an almighty ker-thunk! Best of all, if this is what Joe Carnahan can make as nothing more than a knee-jerk reaction to being screwed over, I can't wait to see what he'll come up with next.

Fuck you, Tom Cruise!

4.6 Crabs out of 5