Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Dark Side of the Loon

"My Graneee, riiiiigghhttt....."

All hail to King Connolly of William! Yes, Monday night took myself and my chortle-ready cohorts (The Smiths, Michelle Tiberius Brown, and James and Chloe off of 'James and Chloe') to Bournemouth's Bournemouth, specifically the International Centre, to witness the witty musings of Billy Connolly.

After 19 hours in Miche's car, thanks to traffic that moved no quicker than 3mph, we arrived at the "secret car park" so as to outwit those fools who chose to park in the BIC's multi-storey. Unfortunately, the "secret car park" was now not so much a secret as a heavily publicised haven for anything with 4 wheels and a seat, but a space we did find. Then came the traversing of the salty sea air to the venue, where we all stood outside and puffed merrily as we awaited the arrival of James and Chloe off of 'James and Chloe'.

As I stood next to my Cardy Twin (who was also my trainer twin and jeans twin, although not my genes twin as many have mistakenly assumed) at the bar, we pondered the immortal question; Pint of beer or girlie-sized beer bottle? The Tannoy informed us that there would be no interval, which made us think pint. Then said Tannoy added that the performance started in 2 mins. 'Quickly! Must hasten!' thought we. Then the doorman said only girlie-sized bottles were allowed inside. Oh, BIC, you tease us so. Girls we must be then.

What followed was a jaw-busting, non-stop 2 hours of hilarity from the frankly disturbing mind of Billy. Topics ranged from Iceberg-shaped and imaginary Jesi, "BOOM" spinning dogs, his granneee, unfathomable driving directions and "Badger Growling". At one point we even got to witness Billy, seemingly even more amused by his tales than his audience, completely lose his mind and go bonkers for 5 minutes, spouting nonsensical tirades before doubling over and laughing in a high-pitched "tee-hee-hee" like Linz! A joy to behold.

And it was over, which I was sad about, but my aching jaw did cartwheels. 45 days later when the masses had finally moved out of our bloody way and let us leave the venue, we had more trials ahead. These mainly included every car in the world being on OUR ROAD at the SAME TIME as us, telling random idiot drivers to "FFFFuck Offff!!!" without realising the window was open, and my Cardy Twin's hankering for a hot-dog.

Never forget, kids, be nice to your Aunty Agnes. Even if you haven't got one.