Thursday, June 21, 2007

King Of Cards

Yeah, baby!!! Tom McRae TWICE in the space of 2 weeks! First up was Wedgewood Rooms in Portsmouth, as Tom took to the stage with only a pianist and cellist (Ollie and Olly) backing him up. This stripped down arrangement of the songs was absolutely mind-blowing, with Tom singing his heart out. I even managed to hoodwink the 2 Ollies into signing my album after the show, as well as purchasing a swanky new t-shirt.

Next, a little over a week later, London here we come for the final date on the tour. The same 3-piece set-up, a slightly bigger venue but we were closer this time. However, by now Tom had almost lost his voice and was struggling for the first few songs, before ascending into awesome form with ease. At one point, and this was the highlight of my entire gig life, he asked the sound engineers to turn all mics/amps/pick-ups off and belted out an incredible version of 'Bloodless' like he was busking. Mr McRae, I salute you!

Special mention should also go to his support act, Steve Reynolds, who is probably one of the best musicians/songwriters you've probably never heard of. He was there on both dates, but in London he played having just broken his collarbone. You could tell the guy was in immense pain but delivered a set to be reckoned with... especially after Miche kept drunkenly shouting at him and he decided to sing the rest of his set to her!

And yes, I'm excited about the new Harry Potter film!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Black Christmas LIVE blog!

I was gonna do another movie review, but I was too tired and just watched the film instead. However, the film was 'Black Christmas', an awful-looking teen slasher, and my notebook was right next to me.

So I decided to write my review in real time, with time codes, as I was watching the film. Yes, Ladies and Things... welcome to the first ever Ian's Useless Movie LIVE Reviews....


1:25 - It's Christmas. Some teenage girls are alone in a sorority house. One's opening a bottle of wine. Cut to close-up of a corkscrew... I wonder if that will come into play soon?

1:28 - Nope, she just got stabbed in the head with a pen. Fuck, I'm rubbish at this, and I helped make a horror film!

4:15 - We're now in a ward for the criminally insane (I can tell this because the first shot is a door with the words 'Criminally Insane' written on it). And Santa's here.

6:03 - There's a looney who's tried to escape every year at Christmas since he ate his mum.

8:20 - There's more teens in the sorority, blah blah blah. So far a sassy girl, a slutty girl and a nerdy girl make up our chainsaw fodder.

10:05 - The looney escaped, having somehow outwitting a single padlock.

10:38 - A girl's watching porn! This is the best film ever!

10:39 - Except she's sad and not enjoying it. Boo!

11:05 - The silly non-porn loving bitch gets her eyes ripped out. Hooray!

14:09 - Santa's dead!

19:52 - The killer, called Billy, was a yellow baby apparently. And I don't mean that in a racialist way, he's actually the colour of a 'nana.

22:17 - Not much going on so I've made a sandwich.

22:22 - Finished the sandwich. Fancy another one. Or some crisps.

22:24 - Haven't got any crisps. STILL nothing going on, yellow serial killer's back story, yada yada yada... His mum was mean, etc. Possibly why he ate her.

25:10 - Yellow serial killer phones the house and says he'll kill them all. ONE girl gets mildly upset. The rest go "Oh well, it's Christmas".

28:03 - New Character! Girl appears from nowhere in the sorority house. She's weird and the size of Hagrid. She gives another girl a gift of a glass Unicorn head... wonder if that'll come in handy later?

31:45 - We've just gone back to 1982 FOR NO REASON! Except to see that Nasty Mum shagged yellow serial killer as a child and had a baby from it. Urgh! And that baby grew up to be Hagrid Girl! Urgh!

34:49 - Yellow serial killer phoned the house again. "I'm going to bury the hatchet... IN YOUR HEAD!". Tense glances all around. "That wasn't Megan" says one girl, tellingly.

38:00 - This feels longer than most films.

45:23 - Back in time again. Yellow killer child just attacked his sister (who's also his daughter) and ate her eye.Then killed his family and made meat cookies from their flesh. Scrooged, this is not.

58:59 - I've just noticed I don't know who the lead character is. Not because they're all good, but because they're all pointless and doing NOTHING.

1:03:16 - Girl in shower scene! Girl in shower scene! Except she keeps throwing up.

1:06:42 - Buffy's sister keeps swearing. I don't like it!

1:09:33 - Someone else is dead. The awful storytelling means I don't know who, but it's a good thing as that means one less insipid person to sprout redundant dialogue.

1:24:01 - Something loud just happened! I honestly couldn't tell you what as I actually fell asleep. The noise woke me up.

1:29:19 - A car just ate someone! And a woman got killed by a rogue stalagtite! And an ice skate... It's finally getting good!

1:32:41 - Death by Unicorn! I knew it!

1:36:02 - Stop screaming! There's not any deaths, but people keep screaming seemingly because it's linked to their breathing!

1:39:37 - Now Yellow Killer's making them all dinner. And he's put someone's head on top of the christmas tree.And Yellow Killer turns out to be Hagrid Girl, which makes him his own sister and daughter... Umm...

1:48:22 - Well, it's over. And what have we learnt? That Christmas is shit, and you'll probably die. And also that there really is NO way to get back 2 hours of your life... no matter how much you want to!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

By The Power Of Optimus!

So, yeah, I would blog about Paris Hilton being released from prison after serving only 3 days of her already reduced sentence of 23 days (she was meant to be in for 43 days) for 'medical reasons'. But I'm not going to. Instead go here for a much better account of these events that sums up all my anger about this much better than I could.

Instead, let's look to the 80's. A time when bright green headbands and a love for A-Ha wasn't just acceptable, but expected (as they should be today). Something caught my eye in movie news today that makes me jump for joy and fills me with dread at the same time. Probably more the dread thing!

Unless you've been dead (apologies if you are), you'll have noticed that a live-action film of Transformers is hitting the silver screen in little under a month. That's not what I'm scared of. Many militant 'transfans', as they call themselves (and quite frankly that's the worst name you could give yourself as a collective and hope to still sound cool), were up in arms about this film. Then they saw the trailer and consequently shit themselves in glee! I'm not fussed about design changes or making Bumblebee a Camarro instead of a VW Bug, and I say that as a huge Transformers fan that cried as a child whilst watching 'Transformers: The Movie'. All I care about is massive robots transforming into cool stuff, and that Peter Cullen is doing the voice of Optimus Prime (he IS Optimus!).

That said, today's announcement leave me a little numb with disbelief. No doubt fuelled by the love the Transformers film is now getting, a live action film has been green lit of.... THUNDERCATS!

I am not lying. A live-action Thundercats!

I loved Thundercats, and it's still among my favourite 80's guilty pleasures, but a live-action version? I feel like someone just shit in my mouth.

Transformers will work as a live-action film because it's about massive fucking robots beating the crap out of each other, and the trailer shows that the ILM geniuses have recreated that in spades. Thundercats is about cat-people, and slightly gay ones at that (apart from Snarf, he was the bomb), running around in next to nothing and spouting semi-religious nonsense! Add that up for a live-action film with real actors and it equals - most embarrassing film and biggest flop ever!

There's a reason cartoons work as cartoons! Although I bet Jenster thinks this film sounds awesome!

Back to the 80's and Transformers for a second, click here for the greatest video of ALL TIME!!!!!