I was gonna do another movie review, but I was too tired and just watched the film instead. However, the film was '
Black Christmas', an awful-looking teen slasher, and my notebook was right next to me.
So I decided to write my review in
real time, with time codes, as I was watching the film. Yes, Ladies and Things... welcome to the first ever
Ian's Useless Movie LIVE Reviews....
BLACK CHRISTMAS
1:25 - It's Christmas. Some teenage girls are alone in a sorority house. One's opening a bottle of wine. Cut to close-up of a corkscrew... I wonder if that will come into play soon?
1:28 - Nope, she just got stabbed in the head with a pen. Fuck, I'm rubbish at this, and I helped
make a horror film!
4:15 - We're now in a ward for the criminally insane (I can tell this because the first shot is a door with the words 'Criminally Insane' written on it). And Santa's here.
6:03 - There's a looney who's tried to escape every year at Christmas since he ate his mum.
8:20 - There's more teens in the sorority, blah blah blah. So far a sassy girl, a slutty girl and a nerdy girl make up our chainsaw fodder.
10:05 - The looney escaped, having somehow outwitting a single padlock.
10:38 - A girl's watching porn! This is the best film ever!
10:39 - Except she's sad and not enjoying it. Boo!
11:05 - The silly non-porn loving bitch gets her eyes ripped out. Hooray!
14:09 - Santa's dead!
19:52 - The killer, called Billy, was a yellow baby apparently. And I don't mean that in a racialist way, he's actually the colour of a 'nana.
22:17 - Not much going on so I've made a sandwich.
22:22 - Finished the sandwich. Fancy another one. Or some crisps.
22:24 - Haven't got any crisps.
STILL nothing going on, yellow serial killer's back story, yada yada yada... His mum was mean, etc. Possibly why he ate her.
25:10 - Yellow serial killer phones the house and says he'll kill them all.
ONE girl gets mildly upset. The rest go "Oh well, it's Christmas".
28:03 - New Character! Girl appears from nowhere in the sorority house. She's weird and the size of Hagrid. She gives another girl a gift of a glass Unicorn head... wonder if that'll come in handy later?
31:45 - We've just gone back to 1982
FOR NO REASON! Except to see that Nasty Mum shagged yellow serial killer as a child and had a baby from it. Urgh! And that baby grew up to be Hagrid Girl! Urgh!
34:49 - Yellow serial killer phoned the house again. "
I'm going to bury the hatchet... IN YOUR HEAD!". Tense glances all around. "
That wasn't Megan" says one girl, tellingly.
38:00 - This feels longer than most films.
45:23 - Back in time again. Yellow killer child just attacked his sister (who's also his daughter) and ate her eye.Then killed his family and made meat cookies from their flesh.
Scrooged, this is not.
58:59 - I've just noticed I don't know who the lead character is. Not because they're all good, but because they're all pointless and doing
NOTHING.
1:03:16 - Girl in shower scene! Girl in shower scene! Except she keeps throwing up.
1:06:42 - Buffy's sister keeps swearing. I don't like it!
1:09:33 - Someone else is dead. The awful storytelling means I don't know who, but it's a good thing as that means one less insipid person to sprout redundant dialogue.
1:24:01 - Something loud just happened! I honestly couldn't tell you what as I actually fell asleep. The noise woke me up.
1:29:19 - A car just ate someone! And a woman got killed by a rogue stalagtite! And an ice skate... It's finally getting good!
1:32:41 - Death by Unicorn! I knew it!
1:36:02 - Stop screaming! There's not any deaths, but people keep screaming seemingly because it's linked to their breathing!
1:39:37 - Now Yellow Killer's making them all dinner. And he's put someone's head on top of the christmas tree.And Yellow Killer turns out to be Hagrid Girl, which makes him his own sister and daughter... Umm...
1:48:22 - Well, it's over. And what have we learnt? That Christmas is shit, and you'll probably die. And also that there really is
NO way to get back 2 hours of your life... no matter how much you want to!
Yeah, baby!!! Tom McRae TWICE in the space of 2 weeks! First up was Wedgewood Rooms in Portsmouth, as Tom took to the stage with only a pianist and cellist (Ollie and Olly) backing him up. This stripped down arrangement of the songs was absolutely mind-blowing, with Tom singing his heart out. I even managed to hoodwink the 2 Ollies into signing my album after the show, as well as purchasing a swanky new t-shirt.
Special mention should also go to his support act, Steve Reynolds, who is probably one of the best musicians/songwriters you've probably never heard of. He was there on both dates, but in London he played having just broken his collarbone. You could tell the guy was in immense pain but delivered a set to be reckoned with... especially after Miche kept drunkenly shouting at him and he decided to sing the rest of his set to her!
