Friday, March 12, 2010

'Open Graves' live blog

So I watched this horror film, 'Open Graves', and it was terrible. Many films are terrible, but only a handful are bad enough to make you grab your phone and live blog the stupidity being presented to you.

Below is the Twitter blog I did as I watched the film, in order from minute 1...

Currently watching 'Open Graves'. This is a very, very odd film. Also terrible, which somewhat makes up for it. Ahh, Eliza Dushku... *swoon*

I think the budget of this film was roughly that of a few postage stamps.

Cops find body without skin. Skin hanging next to body. "I'd swear he's been skinned alive" says one cop. Geniuses. This film is AMAZING!

I'm fairly certain this film was shot on an iPhone.

Guy meets girl for FIRST TIME in the film. They have NEVER met before. 3 lines in she says "It's good to see you again"... *confused stare*

People are being killed by a BOARD GAME! This is a bit like Jumanji, except it's not awesome. Ooh, wait wait wait...

I knew it! Death by dragonfly! SO saw that coming...

It's just downright unpleasant now. And apparently everyone at this SPANISH coast is either American or a Cockney.

"Crabs are this primal force. These mindless things, driven by instinct". You got that right, baby ;)

"I don't think I've ever known anybody that lived in a lighthouse". Yeah, because THAT'S the sort of thing you wouldn't be sure about!

Insanely hot girl in bikini doing photoshoot. What's the obvious thing to do? Give her powertools and gardening gloves. Duh! OBVIOUSLY!

Now someone's being chased by a snake that can slither at 50 MILES AN HOUR! Glad they're keeping it based in fact.

"This kid was killed by a snake. A Black Mamba. How does that bite you, huh?". This line was NOT said as a joke...

"I don't believe in superstition, this board game isn't killing people...Wait! I found it on Google... You were right all along!"

Girls hair starts falling out, she's bleeding from her eyes... Boyfriend says "Let me make you some soup"... Best film EVER!

Man with NO LEGS shows up again in the film. He now HAS LEGS. This is NOT addressed. AT ALL.

Girl has car crash. She swerves very gently. Instantly cut to: Car flips over EIGHTY TIMES.

By the way, I'm not ruining this film for any of you. The filmmakers did that before I got anywhere near it.

"What do you take me for, some kind of fucking idiot?"... It's always good to have at least one character speaking for the audience.

At least Jumanji had monkeys and lions and bears (oh my!). This board game has no sense of humour whatsoever.

"Something's gonna happen to me in the ocean. Let's go to my lighthouse, we'll be safe there"... I PROMISE I'm NOT making this up!

Hey, they just stole a shot from Batman Forever... Of ALL the films to steal a shot from, I ask you!

I... I... LITERALLY have no words for what just happened onscreen... No joke I could make would justify this LUNACY before me... None...

Dear Director of 'Open Graves': You owe me 1hr 24mins. I will accept this via voodoo or in monetary form if needs be.

Even the end credits are ludicrous. There were WRITERS on this film?