Monday, August 28, 2006

B for Bored... and Bad Films

I have just begun a week off work, and as such have been killing time with various useless persuits; tidying, cleaning, sleeping late - you name it baby! But then something occured to me...

I seem to only ever blog about the progress of our album, or gigs I've been to. But I also watch a stupid amount of films, so I decided it was time to share that part of my dullard life with the interweb super-roundabout as well. Therefore, hold on to your hats (got 'em? are they as cool as the one to the left? doubt it) as we embark on the first of Ian's Useless Movie Reviews!!! And this week...

I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

Yes, the 3rd instalment of this mind-numbing teen horror series arrives to our screens in all it’s straight-to-DVD glory this month. For those of you that need to catch up on the previous 2 film’s happenings, here’s a quick re-cap:

Part 1: It's alright, Buffy's in it.... but she dies. Shit. Good soundtrack though.

Part 2: Buffy's not in it. Shit. But Jack Black is, as a weeded-up rasta... who dies. Shit! Ooh, and Freddie Prinz Jr sings along to Whitesnake, which is actually the best part of the film.

Ok, everyone caught up? Then let's crack on with Part 3!

Ignoring the fact that Final Destination 3 did the EXACT same thing recently, IAKWYDLS (as I'm going to call it from now it cuz it's cool speak) opens at a fairground. We meet some American teens, including the female lead. You can tell she's the lead because she's blonde, not so pretty as to cause offence to the general public and has no defining character traits of ANY KIND. Therefore we must like her. There's also her boyfriend; he no doubt plays a sport of some kind and will later turn out to be a complete shit. Let's not forget the brunette girl best friend, who IS pretty enough to cause offence and seal her own death at some point. See, already we're learning something here - very attractive people shouldn't be allowed to live, as no one in really real life is that good looking. It's just simple economics. Best friend girl is a feisty rock-chick (you can tell because she wears one of those studded belts) with aspirations of being a famous singer. Silly girl, doesn't she realise she's too attractive to be making plans for her future when she clearly doesn't have one?

Still, part of the fun of teen horror films is being able to feel more intelligent than the characters. In this department, IAKWYDLS delivers in spades. There's also some other people in it, and some are mildly diverting, such as the creepy guy who's in love with lead girl and will probably save the day so they can fall in love. Or die. Or be the killer. One of the three, it's unclear this early. Anyway, they stage a prank at the fair with one of them pretending to be The Fisherman (such a good psycho name), the villain from the previous films. Except it goes wrong and one of their friends dies, a character we have been given exactly 4 minutes to get to know and then expected to care when he's dead. I was nearly weeping.

So they keep it a secret that they were behind the prank and... etc etc... meet up a year later when lead girl gets a text message saying "I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer". Ignoring the frankly ridiculous omnipotent undertones of this phrase, she tells her friends. Boyfriend-who-will-later-turn-out-to-be-a-complete-shit has turned out to be a complete shit, Brunette rock-chick is still far too pretty and quite a moody cow now. There is another one too, but he dies about 5 minutes later so I can't even be bothered. The rest of the film can be summed up in the following 5 words:

People get chased and killed.

However, how entertaining this is can be summed up in the following 2 words:

Not very.

One twist the film makers have thrown in though is that The Fisherman, who in the previous films was simply a pissed-off bloke with a hook, is now an immortal zombie who can vanish and appear wherever he wants like Wizbit! Nice touch there. See, this is clever because if he is indeed immortal then surely he WILL always know what they did last summer. It all makes sense now.

Except they kill him. So it's rubbish. That's about it really. Creepy bloke from the start saves lead girl and they fall in love (I knew it!). Oh, and there's some coda at the end where lead girl gets stranded by the road and The Fisherman attacks again (which is entirely her fault as she's become much more attractive in this bit)... but all this accomplishes is the dreaded feeling that there may be another one of these films on the way, similar to the feeling you get after a late night when you know you've got to go to work again in the morning.

Summing up, this film is like a hangover. You know it'll be gone in a couple of hours, but you've got to endure it for the time being.

2 Crabs out of 5.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

The good, the bad, and the drunky

Let's start with a quick vent; I have come to the conclusion that very little on this earth is as rewarding and frustrating as trying to master an album. Seriously, in terms of how it can make you feel elated one second, and tearing your hair out the next, the only thing that comes close is trying to understand the rules of Deal or No Deal!

Yes, 'Lens Flare' is a mere fortnight away from completion. Recording finished. Mixing finished. Now only the final master stands between us and an album. However, it's getting there.

Better news though, is that some of my best friends had a joint birthday celebration recently, and fun, drink-induced evening of drunken karaoke it was too! The above pic is not from that night but features the birthday boys (Si & Jon) and should give a good idea of what hi-jinks ensue at these events.

Watch the films 'Brick' and 'Hard Candy'. Neither are easy viewing but both are worth it.

love and peace xxxx